Delusional Professor Monkey suit exchanged for Humbled Accepting Monkey model

I’m realizing lately, over the past few years, that I am not nearly as cerebral or intelligent as I always thought I was. Though I always considered myself an intellectual outsider, circumstances of the past few years have relieved me of this delusion. At least of the intellectual part. Still an outsider by almost every method of measuring such things. But the truth is, “I ain’t so smart”. After a period of denial I think I am finally kind of okay with this. And why fight it? There’s little a dumb ass like me can do to ward off the inevitable encroachment of cold hard common sense. “Boy, you just ain’t nowhere near the genius you always thought you was.” Sounds funny. Sounds simple, too. But it’s a years-long, gradual and sometimes painful process for some of us coming to terms with this harsh reality. And believe me this ain’t no pity party. It has more of a sad, celebratory feel to it for me. Like a memorial service for the self-involved turd I used to be. Like shedding a skin that served me well for a time but now it simply does not fit. Physically, emotionally , philosophically, that monkey suit has been outgrown. I shed now the Delusional Professor Monkey suit only to reveal beneath it the Humbled Accepting Monkey suit, that comes replete with fresh wounds for licking, an expanded waistline for morose introspection, and a new mind frame that is both shiny and dull. You’ll figure that out. Shedding delusions of intellectual grandiosity is actually a very comforting process. Maybe this too is one of those Zen moments that I’ve been reading about and chasing for years. It has been said that the moment when we accept that we know nothing is the beginning of wisdom. Now as my 44-year old body struggles to stay trim, to lose even just a couple pounds takes great effort, my eating habits are just as awful as they have always been, to say nothing of my alcohol intake, at least I can feel good about this stage of my development (decline?) from svelte self-absorbed egotist to doughy dufus. It’s not so bad.

More recently I have had the good fortune to make the acquaintance of legitimately intelligent people. Medical professionals, artists, health workers, authors, scientists, etc. I feel fortunate that the path I have chosen has certainly given me opportunities to expand and grow and develop as a musician and an artist. But still, more often than not, I equate a large percentage of my artistic endeavors with that of a monkey with a paintbrush. I mean to belabor the point that I am not fishing for pity here. I consider it a rare and precious series of events that has brought me to the acquaintance of truly intellectual people. I feel like a whiffle ball champion meeting Ty Cobb. It’s a little intimidating but I am already finding that I derive a great deal more pleasure and real insight from looking UP to people, instead of looking DOWN on them which I know I have been guilty of doing in the past. Time and circumstances have put me in my place and I am more than a little grateful for it. Makes me think that maybe we all oughta do a little more looking up to people and not down on them. Can’t hurt to try.

I want to try to learn how to cultivate ways to trust my primal urges and rely less on cerebral conclusions. Trust my gut. How’s that for psychobabble contradiction? I want to employ my COGNITIVE SKILLS to cultivate a more PRIMAL approach to life!

For the sake of a real life analogy, I offer this: the one time in my life that I was never more certain that I was doing the right thing, ended with a divorce less than 24 months later. Granted, that is another story. And, long story short, I am happy to report that my ex-wife and I parted on good terms and remain good friends. My point is that if I can manage to make such a colossal and cataclysmic fuck-up out of the one time in my life that I had never been more sure of myself, how can I place any faith in myself to make even the simplest of decisions? I don’t have an answer for you. Consider it a riddle, food for thought. I’ve been kicking it around for a while and coming up with no real concrete answers or conclusions. But it has been a humbling experience, and ultimately, perhaps that’s what this little emotional exercise is all about. Anything we can do to humble ourselves? That too, can’t hurt to try. Seems like only good could come from that.

Some of these confounded quandaries we’ll spend our whole lives circling, scanning them for new clues, some chink in the armor we hadn’t noticed before, some new point of entry that will reveal the secrets, the inner workings, and the elusive answers we’ve sought in vain. But maybe, just maybe, it’s the circling itself that’s the point. It’s the search, the seeking that hones the mind, sharpens the spirit, hardens our resolve, not the finding out of any damn thing. Because we all know that every answer only reveals ten more questions. So keep circling, brothers & sisters. It shows you to be in possession of an inquisitive mind and a searching spirit. Be wary of so-called answers. In truth, they’re not really the goal.

What good is your destination, if you can’t enjoy the ride?