Random Thought Blast #1

It has been a banner week for a music lover like me. In the span of just seven days, I have seen Steely Dan, the New York Dolls, and Steve Earle. Along the way I also had the good fortune to meet some of the musicians who play with those bands as well. It’s been a week-long reminder of why I have always been and will always be a moth to music’s flame. This week in particular, but also in a wide-ranging general sense, I just feel so blessed to be around so much great music and to have the opportunity not just to see it and hear it performed by others but to be a creator of the stuff myself. (My own band is in the midst of recording and mixing our next CD as well.) For all of the stress, anxiety and myriad other issues that plague my existence just like they do for every other person I know, music is a healing friend that has ALWAYS been with me and ALWAYS WILL BE. That thought is just so amazing to me and I have made a promise to myself today to try to bear that in mind as much as possible EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every single note that we musicians and singers bring into this world is nothing short of a MIRACLE. Whether you play in the crustiest death core band or the Royal Fucking Philharmonic, this holds true.

Some of you reading this may be familiar with my struggle with anxiety and depression. I’m not ashamed of it. Though I do not go around broadcasting it for obvious reasons, it is also not a secret. Shit, the more friends I confide in about it the more I find that I am far from alone in this struggle. Lately I have been feeling a strange new “Weird Calm” about my station in life. Maybe this is what the Buddhists mean by “willing participation in life’s sorrows”. I struggle with crippling self esteem issues, an almost complete lack of confidence, and social anxieties that you wouldn’t believe. Yet I am a working musician and writer subject to an almost-constant barrage of kind and supportive words from friends and family.

I had a revelation just last night:

Almost every single person works hard all their life. It’s just a fact. Some people work hard all their lives to accumulate money, property, land, houses, stuff, businesses, children, possessions, assets, automobiles, boats, planes, expensive clothing, pure bred pets, etc. I have none of those things. BUT - I have worked hard all my life to accumulate EXPERIENCE and INSIGHT and TRAVELS and all kinds of musical skills and experiences both in live performance and in recordings, the kind of things that most people only dream of. And that's not only "okay" it's actually very cool.

Just like Biggie said, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems..." I have no money but all the freedom in the world. I’m gonna do my best henceforth to stop worrying about my LACK of money and focus instead on the seemingly endless opportunities that I have.

To all my friends and family who read this: Thank you so much for your love & support. I know that I still have a tendency to sometimes behave like a neurotic shut-in who’s afraid to leave his house or be seen in public anywhere. But I’m working on that too and it is the prospect of crossing paths with any one of you out there that helps me shut the door behind me and step out into the world every time I do.

Love to all.


-rh